Mr Peanutbutter Drops The F-Bomb
by CanzetYote
Summary: Oneshot. When Mr Peanutbutter catches Bojack messing around with his wife, Diane, he drops a heartbroken, tearful f-bomb.


**NOTE:** _This is my first attempt at doing a Bojack Horseman related oneshot. After hearing about the f-word rule, I thought I'd try a crack at it with Mr Peanutbutter dropping the infamous f-bomb. I just finished watching the series blind with my roommate and we both loved it. I can't wait for season 4 to come out. Mr Peanutbutter is my favorite character and if we ever see him cry in the show like he did in this fanfic, the Bojack fandom will likely be heartbroken. Poor pooch. Anyway, read and review!_

Bojack and Diane were in the heat of the moment. Charlotte was gone, Wanda left and Princess Carolyn was Bojack's agent-slash-manager. One rainy evening, the horse decided to get himself and Diane drunk in Diane and Mr Peanutbutter's own house of all places. It was a brazen but alcohol-induced idea. Both Bojack and Diane had a pretty rough day and needed to unwind. Mr Peanutbutter was out on a grocery shopping trip and the two thought they could get away with it when he wasn't there.

All they needed was a bed, some smokes and just a little sexual motivation to get the night going. As they messed about in the sheets a bit, a cheerful voice rang through the house, "Honey, I'm back! Boy, I can't believe how long that line at the supermarket was. There was a camera crew filming some Extreme Couponing type show and I just happened to be the unlucky customer behind them. Can you believe that? Serious, Diane, I-"

Instantly, the bedroom door swung open and Mr Peanutbutter gasped. Beer bottles were littered about the room and Bojack and Diane were naked together in bed. It took a few seconds for the dim-witted canine to found out what was happening but as soon as it clicked in his brain, Mr Peanutbutter's eyes flooded with salty tears and his ears drooped. His hand let go of the groceries he was carrying, eggs splattering on the floor. It was as if time itself was going in slow motion. All he could do was choke out a broken, "No."

And with that, Mr Peanutbutter made a mad dash for the roof. Still buzzed on alcohol, Diane groaned a bit, "You should probably go and ask if he wants a threesome."

"All right." Bojack replied, not even bothering to put on any clothes before ascending to the roof of the house.

It was then that Bojack noticed that the dog was sitting down, his knees hugged close to his chest. Even in Bojack's muddled state, he could tell that something was terribly wrong with this picture. The normally cheerful and upbeat Mr Peanutbutter had hot tears rolling down his muzzle and dripping off the end of his nose, mixing with the rain as he shivered and whimpered like a lost, hurt puppy.

Kneeling beside him, the nude horse cupped the labrador's face in his hands and leaned in close, licking a few salty tears off Mr Peanutbutter's nose and muzzle with his tongue. The stench of alcohol in Bojack's breath washed over the canine, assaulting his senses and causing him to cringe, "Mr Peanutbutter." He slurred, "I can fix this."

"How?" Mr Peanutbutter sobbed, "You just banged my wife after taking advantage of her. Normally, I forgive and forget but you just hurt me too bad this time."

"I can bang you, too." Bojack suggested, "Remember when we were on that game show of yours and we kissed? That was...actually kinda awesome."

"Bojack, what the hell?" Mr Peanutbutter blurted out, "This is completely different. You raped her. You fucking raped her. And now you wanna rape me as well just so you can add insult to injury? I may not be smart, I know I'm kinda full of myself, too. But I'm not a monster like you. Just please, Bojack. Get out of my life."

Mr Peanutbutter turned his head away, his handsome snout streaked with a mixture of icy rain and bitter tears, "Todd was right about you. I just can't believe I was so stupid for hanging onto you for so long."

"I'm sorry." Bojack replied, suddenly wrapping his arms around the dog and pulling him into a close hug.

Much to his surprise, Mr Peanutbutter growled angrily, broke free from the hug and lightly shoved the horseman away in a cold fury, "Yeah well, in a case like this, sorry just doesn't cut it. You've hurt my wife bad enough." The canine then buried his face in his hands and continued to cry in the pouring rain before throwing his head back and letting loose a long, mournful howl.

Dejectedly, Bojack shuffled away from his tearful sitcom rival. A violent storm was slowly brewing in the skies of Hollywoo as well as in Bojack's heart.

"So I guess I've sunk deeper than rock bottom." Bojack sighed to himself, "Just when I thought I could get any lower. I guess that deer chick was right about the whole tar pit thing. What was her name? Ugh, my head..."


End file.
